WARNING: Sensitive, personal information lies ahead…
DH and I read “Just Do It: How One Couple Turned the TV off and Turned On Their Sex Lives For 101 Days (No Excuses!)” by Douglas Brown this week. We talked about it and agreed that it would be good to recharge our relationship and give it a try ourselves. So, we are embarking on 100 days of sex. The premise of the book is that often “life” takes over and interferes with healthy sex in marriage. Thus, sex, like exercise or other good habits, gets moved to the back burner unintentionally to the detriment of the health of the relationship. Children, work, financial pressures, school, and social obligations all demand our attention during the day leaving little time or energy to have meaningful sex with our partners when we finally arrive home. We often seek the comfort of a book, a movie, or the internet to fill that quality time disregarding our most important relationship. The book is seriously one of the funniest I’ve read this year with honest views on how men and women view sex differently and how the glamour of sex in the media often distorts our view and makes us feel inferior for not having tantric orgasms every night of the week with ease.
Why did I even pick this book up:
DH and I have been together 3 years and still consider ourselves newlyweds, having been married just over a year. How long do you get to keep that title, newlyweds, anyway? However, we’ve seen the ebb and flow of great sex waves during our short time together already. Early on we played, experimented with handcuffs, had sex multiple times in a day… we were overall very satisfied with sex and tried to have it as much as possible whenever we could find time together. Now, we average once a week and I can tell DH would like more sex but I’m often so tired and strung out about life that he has stopped bothering me about it to keep the peace.
I’m starting to believe a big part of marriage is not taking one’s partner for granted. When you’re dating there’s a realization you could lose the other person. And, if you dated like we did, and didn’t live together until marriage- you relished those times you had together when dating. You couldn’t wait to see the other person again when you’d been apart. But, when you’re married, the other person is always around. It’s easy to take it for granted. I’m afraid that may be happening in our marriage. He’s always available. Your typical 20 something male, he’s always “ready to go” if I want him. And as a newlywed (there I go, throwing that word around again) he is still so eager to please. The other night at work I walked in on a conversation about sex between coworkers. They were laughing about how often they “deny” their men sex. I said “How long have you been married?” One was in a 10 year relationship and considers her marriage “great” but they sometimes go months between sexual relations. My first thought was, I wonder how her husband feels. My second thought was, is that how we will end up???
Personally I’m finding sex to be one of those use it or lose it things. I couldn’t go a weekend without seeing my boyfriend in college before feeling flustered. Now, weeks could pass before DH reminds me that he would like to do more than “sleep” tonight and I think, oh, has it been that long already? My goal with trying to imitate the Brown’s project is to try to rev my own engine and restore my former glory.
What I loved about the book:
It’s honest. It’s funny. It doesn’t promise 100 nights of fantastic sex. Some were ho-hum and some were the worst ever. They did it when they were sick, when the kids were sick, and when they were sick of each other after a fight. It required both partners to work at changes and try to improve themselves. It gave advice like buying new toys, buying lingerie for your partner, surprising your partner with gifts, and travelling more (they had me at “reservation for two”). It focused on thoughtful communication and fun between the partners. Most importantly, it felt doable to me. It felt like something my DH and I could do that may improve our relationship more than any other commitment we make this year!
What I took issue with:
Their reckless spending. They went on about 6 impromptu trips (one was comped by his company), hired babysitters and nannies, went out to eat and have coffee more regularly, and started up expensive yoga lessons without thinking twice. In fairness, the author did get a lot of things for free at a porn convention early on in the project but it was a bit unrealistic for your run of the mill couple who would likely spend a lot more. He mentions spending $100 on candles to decorate their bedroom in the beginning for goodness sakes. We aren’t throwing thousands of dollars at this project. I estimate that replicating the book would cost closer to $10,000 taking into account the costs of travel, babysitters (if you have kids), new lingerie, meals and drinking. I think they were easily going through a 12 pack of India Pale Ale each week from his descriptions. Maybe we need to start drinking everyday??
100 nights… If we start today, December 5th would mark 100 days/nights of sex. We have a couple of getaways planned between now and then anyway. I think with a little effort we could replicate the project and do it more frugally! So, we’re off… stay tuned for updates…
1 Comment
August 28, 2008 at 5:36 am
This is a good review.